How to Talk to Your Teenage Daughter about Sex

Ask any parent of a teenager, especially teen girls and 9 times out of 10, they haven’t talked to their girls about sex even though they know their daughters are around sex, being influenced and maybe in a potential situation to have it.

It’s a sensitive topic that is mostly avoided due to the conundrum – fear of encouraging and fear of misleading.  Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.  The sad thing is, most parents secretly feel if they don’t say anything, and something happens, they won’t have to take the blame.  And mostly they don’t want to believe that their little angels are growing up!

The truth is we want to educate our daughters about sex but often the fears show up as:

a) I don’t want to encourage them to do it – they are too young!

b) I’m not comfortable with it myself, so I don’t know what to say.

c) I feel so out of touch with what’s happening in this day and age, I think she could get better educated ‘online’.

Avoiding, rather than parenting becomes a pretty common theme in this area, and it’s only hurting our girls and stealing away an opportunity for us to open up an extremely important conversation with our children that can have a lifelong impact on their health and relationships.

In my adult years, I have talked to many grown women about pleasure, owning our sexuality, orgasms, vibrators, loving their bodies but as my teenage daughters were reaching  their mid-teen years (15 & 16 yrs old) and although we’ve had small conversations about boyfriends, protection, body loving etc., I still hadn’t jumped into the full conversation of self-pleasuring, and self-respect and of course, preparing for sex.

I’ve mentioned (probably more aptly called a rant) that because porn has become so available and mainstream, that most likely whomever my daughters eventually end up dating, will have watched it and these young boys or girls will think they know everything about sex and it will then be up to my daughters to reframe the situation, open the conversation and create an experience that honours both themselves and the young souls they are with.  This is where the new version of the “sex talk” needs to come in.  My daughters won’t be able to speak up and stand up if they haven’t learned the basics of self love, self pleasure and self respect outside of the media messages.

This is where the new version of the “sex talk” needs to come in.  My daughters won’t be able to speak up and stand up if they haven’t learned the basics of self-love, self-pleasure, and self-respect outside of the media messages.

A few months ago I put aside some very high-quality vibrators and some deep empowering thoughts.  Time for me to teach and share instead of pondering. It was time for me to open the conversation fully.

I started by putting my deepest desire for my daughter’s experiences into one sentence.

“I wish for you to experience all the joy possible; your body, heart and soul has a massive capacity for pleasure, love and joy so go out and play, experiment and know that it’s a journey, not a destination!”

And then the details came together.  Sex education now needs to be pleasure education. Fighting against the messages from media, porn, society, religions and everything else that encourages body hate, shame, and submission.  More than ever we need to be examples and messengers to our daughters about the wonders of their bodies, the blessings of intimacy and it starts as a personal relationship.

I’m teaching my daughters that their most important job right now is to get to know and love their body.  Learn what brings pleasure and builds their desires and follow that.  If that’s the one gift I can give them, I know they can always come back to that.

Plus, it’s a good reminder for me.  Yes, I’m a middle-aged mom and I need a reminder to fall back in love with my body, and seek pleasure first.  Might as well be an example.

Want a copy of my letter to my daughters? I put it into a little, downloadable PDF here:



What do you think is the most important thing a teenage girl should learn about sex, or what is one thing you wish you had heard from your momma?

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